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dazed , confused and depressed

At the moment (right now, today), i am mentally ill. i have suffered from depression since my 18th year (i am now 62) and have “cured” that 7 years ago, as I found it was a hormone imbalance that was creating them and the medicine only came out at that date. 

Although the cure is great it is not infallible, and sometimes nothing, but nothing, can stop it.

Today I am fuzzy and my head feels like it is in a bucket of cotton wool as I am having trouble hearing what people are saying. I can hear them speaking, but i can’t actually hear what they are saying, i don’t understand the meanings of the words. Many years ago I did an experiment as an artist and blindfolded myself for 4 hours to test what happens in a state of sensory deprivation. I though i’d be able to see colours better and all sorts of things, but when I removed the blindfold I couldn’t connect things together. If I lloked at my stereo and then the speakers I could understand that the two were somehow connected.  Looking at a photo of my family I could recognise each of the people in the picture but I couldn’t group them together as a family. each one was an individual in a picture. That is what the depression feels like today.n’t know how cohesive this article will be because i cannot read it as an article, only as a series of sentences on the same page but not connected to each other.

Depression is an invisible disease, when you are not in one it appears as if you are as healthy as the next man. But when you are in one everything falls to pieces. You can’t think straight, the lights dim down, even in full sunlight, it is hard to string thoughts together.

Today I feel as if I am an idiot savant. When I am not ill, I am quite brilliant. When I am ill, I feel sub-human and totally removed from the human race. Today I feel ill. 

Hopefully this will be gone tomorrow and i will be back to normal.

Reading through what I’ve written I notice I haven’t put in a single exclamation mark. I usually write with lot’s of them because writing usually excites me, but not today.

If you know someone who suffers from depression and you can play an instrument or sing then go around to their house and play. It may not seem to be appreciated but inside it is doing wonders some music for them. Music is tremendously uplifting and doubly so when it comes from the heart of a real live person standing there in front of you. 

Spike Milligan suffered terribly from depression and on bad jelly the witch there is a song he sings about a baboon trying to run fast enough to leave the earths gravity. In that song he is in a depression. He sings like I am writing today, flat, toneless. If you listen to that song first and listen to any other song on the album you will hear the different in the tone of the voice! (an exclamation mark!)

Winston Churchill suffered from the “black dog” too. And he was the prime minister of England at it’s darkest hour! and though he would be incapacitated for 4 or five days it was never long enough to endanger Britain. And when he “came back” he worked like a banshee! I think there is a message in there somewhere.

kindest regards 

j’iam